Going home for Christmas in the village
Before you take off from Kibuga or some other small rural communities you tell us are cities, take heed because now we also have WhatsApp, FBzero and Social Bundles.
Times have changed. We shall no longer fund your city lives and this time you have to finance our Christmas in the village.
Below are important things to consider:
1) Bring your own data bank. We have no electricity and will not let you use our gadgets when yours die from dead batteries.
2) Do not bring for us pictures of your city dwellings. Our neighbourhoods have better scenery and you are welcome to take pictures of us and post them on your Instagram.
3) Do not come to the village expecting us to slaughter a chicken, sijui kuku just because you have not been home for a year. Bring the meat and we do mchomo right here at home and we appease your ancestors while feeding the clan.
4) Bring a minimum of 50kgs of posho. Otherwise you can go dig around for tubers and go by the drying up rivers to harvest leaves to make your soup.
5) Do not bring your GF. We have enough girls in the village who do not bleach their skin or wear Brazillian hair. We shall hook you up with one of your kind.
6) Bring Sugar, Salt, Soap, Parafin, Kimbo, Blue Band and a few loaves of bread. On this note, by the way, if you are the type who likes to eat chapati, mandazi and sumbusa, then on your shopping list please add flour.
7) If you like rice, ensure to bring 100 kilos of it because we also like rice.
8) Remember to bring a shirt for every elder and gum boots for all of us because it rains so badly sometimes it is hard to get out. You should also add mosquito nets so that we do not trouble you for lack of medicine when we get malaria.
9) Gomesi is a must for not only mother but all the aunties on the village.
10) Young ones will be happy to see you if you bring for each of them a dress, shirt, pants, sabatu and sweets. Actually, you could do even better than this, add bagiya for the kids and you will be welcome.
11) While you come here to visit us once in the blue moon, please remember that in January, school fees are due for first term so you should bring a sack of money if you want us not to leave the village and follow you into the city. Keep us in village schools by paying our school fees. Also add school supplies, uniform and some money for the teachers.
12) While you are here, do not expect us to wash or clean for you. We do that already. You have maids washing and cleaning for you but this is a great opportunity for you to now do some hard work.
13) Do not ask us why we have no Umeme or TV or cannot charge your kachupuli phone. You should have set up solar energy in our village.
14) Above all, remember that we are no longer allowed to pick mangos from neighbours’ trees so bring us some tree seedlings to plant of the fruits you grew up on.
15) Do not go house to house eating free food just because you are visiting and people have missed you for a whole year. Us also want to eat at each house so that we can get fat like you with your kibuto.
16) Remember to be politically informed. Are you #Togyikwatako or Neera neera? We are in a mode of mind of “damn, those city people are coming for our land!” So be sure to know which side of the fence you stand on because if you come here saying NRM this and Museveni that, we have pangas and we are still waiting for our malwa club money so we might just give you Tontomera.
Remember not to get sick while visiting us in the village. We have no medicine or medics so you will surely die.
ABOVE ALL, HAVE A MERRY XMAS AND DO NOT FORGET WHERE YOU COME FROM. Stay in touch but use your own airtime and social bundles kubanga tuli bakoowu.
Notis from Meneja!
ps: Denis Wabuyi wrote this one better but we are having a hard time locating what he wrote for Xmas in the village.